This is my story, and it’s not a happy one…
I, like many Dad’s carry my grief with me. I choose not to share it, it’s not your grief, it’s mine.
People try to get me to talk about how I feel, but it’s not what I do. Don’t get me wrong, I talk about our twins often with anyone who wants to and quite often with people who don’t.
They are part of my family and I am proud to be their Dad, so why shouldn’t I talk about them.
I am not bottling my feelings up, I am choosing not to share, it’s not your grief, it’s mine.
My feelings are raw, it has only just happened. Or at least that’s how it feels to me and that’s the way I want it to be, as every day that passes is another day since I was able to feed them or hold them. In reality, it’s been many many years now, but that’s the beauty of grief, it warps time to the point of irrelevance. At the start, hours would feel like days because it was all consuming, but now I am able to remember the joy of their births more often than the pain of their deaths.
I’m holding onto every memory about them and I don’t want to dilute it by sharing, it’s not your grief, it’s mine.
There are definitely dark days, that right up until this point I have never shared or even really admitted to myself. How do you deal with grief on your own? Sometimes I find myself crying on the drive to work without even realising I am.
Sometimes I have a drink, but not to forget, I raise a glass to remember. All of which I do alone, it’s not your grief, it’s mine.
If you’re reading this and thinking this is not healthy, I know it. Keeping it all inside is what men do and I agree it’s not healthy for everyone. I’m bitter, twisted and cynical and I like it that way to stay close to my grief.
Every child is different, every loss is different and for me, this is my way.
Sometimes I consider it when people say “it’s good to talk about how you feel”, before retreating back into my shell. The years whilst taking me away from my twins, do help. I have met many great people along my journey, who have supported my family, shared their stories and sympathies and received my absolute concern and sorrow for their loss (and I know this next line comes out all wrong), that’s their grief, it’s not mine.
There are no details in this story; I’m still not sharing, it’s not what I do even though maybe I should. I implore you not to feel sorry for me, I’m happy as I am. If you think I’m not coping, you’re wrong, I have my memories and all the support I need. The only person who shares my grief is my beautiful wife, their Mother. It’s not your grief, it’s ours.
That is my story, and it’s a personal one.
I don’t profess words of wisdom or a magic answer to the pain. There are many ways to cope with the loss of your child, or in my case two. Look for the strategy that helps you at that moment of your journey.