It is a tricky situation returning to work after a huge loss because at work, life 'goes on'. As your entire world is crumbling and falling apart, everyone else's world is continuing as they always have, regardless of what's happened to you. It's hard to join them in that world when you feel so empty.

Insensitive comments aren't as frequent as they were 10 or 20 years ago, but they still do happen. As your colleague or manager doesn't know the baby and haven't met the baby, they have no concept of how important that baby is. They don't understand the fact that the parents have known this baby, just because they haven't.

Most people want to help when someone feels sad. You might not want to be 'brought out of your sadness' instead needing time and space to feel your feelings. You may hear insensitive phases or comments where people want to 'fix it' for you; these tend to come from a good place but can be upsetting.

You might hear phrases like 'maybe it was meant to be' - a phase that's supposed to help someone feel better but actually does the opposite. Or 'at least you didn't get to know him or her' or 'at least you can have more children'. These insensitive comments really diminish how you feel and make assumptions that you don't feel are appropriate. Even though these comments often come from a good place, they can be distressing for anyone who's been through baby loss.

Remember to 'feel your feelings'

It's important to feel your feelings and not have to put on a 'brave face' at work. If you feel you must put on a mask at work, it can slow down the grieving process. The stronger the mask that you put on, the harder it will be to process those feelings and the less productive you're going to be. If you perceive a comment to be insensitive, you have every right to feel angry or annoyed.

Expect to be surprised

Support - and lack of it - can come from unexpected sources. Death and grieving are difficult topics, unique for each person. You'll see a range of reactions from colleagues, from acting as though nothing had happened, to offering condolences in private, to publicly offering help. Knowing that you'll experience a variety of reactions can help you prepare a range of ways that you might respond.

Control what you do, and don't, want to share

Don't force yourself to share when you're not ready. Just because someone asks you a question doesn't mean you have to answer it. You might want to talk through the details of what happened, but if not, think through short answers to probing questions. These answers might provide brief facts or simply say, "Thank you for your questions, but I'm unable to answer them right now." Or you can direct the conversation to something you can talk about - for example, "I'd rather talk about what my baby meant to me rather than the last few weeks."

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About the author

Harley Cunningham

The information on this page has been authored by Harley Cunningham, who experienced the heartbreaking loss of her two-year-old twin son, James, to bronchopneumonia in 2021.

When Harley returned to work, she realised there was a significant lack of support for bereaved employees.

Determined to make a positive impact, she shared her story and developed a new bereavement support strategy to help others in similar situations to ensure that employee needs are met with compassionate and effective support. She now works with the HR team to bridge the gap between employee needs and company support.

We asked Harley to reflect on her own experience and share her tips and recommendations for returning to work after the loss of a baby or babies. You can reach out to contact her by email.