It is a tricky situation returning to work after a huge loss because at work, life 'goes on'. As your entire world is crumbling and falling apart, everyone else's world is continuing as they always have, regardless of what's happened to you. It's hard to join them in that world when you feel so empty.

 

 

Returning to work is hard. We talk about going 'back' to work, but most parents feel there is no 'going back'. Often bereaved parents will talk about life before and after their baby has died.

Going back to work is often the first step in leaving a safe bubble of friends and family support. It may be the first step back into the bigger world, therefore daunting and challenging. For many parents, this means having to explain to their employer what has happened to them and their baby or babies. Maybe they were pregnant and now must explain to their employer why they are returning from maternity or paternity leave earlier than planned.

The other challenge is when you explain to colleagues, who you may not know that well, something so deep and personal about you and the circumstances of your baby or babies' death. It can be really isolating as the person you're speaking to doesn't know what to say and how to respond. This can lead to a huge sense of isolation.

Many people will say nothing or avoid the subject. It can be very painful to not have your baby - or your loss - acknowledged. Bereaved parents feel the same sense of love and pride in their baby and the fact that many people cannot and won't acknowledge their baby can be very painful.

Some parents say that colleagues and managers are incredibly supportive in the first week of going back to work but that this quickly fades. Colleagues tend to 'tread carefully' which can feel isolating.

 

 

Underestimating the impact of grief

After the first week, some bereaved parents say that this support tends to fade quickly and suddenly there is an expectation to continue as you've always done. Many workplaces expect bereaved parents to continue as if nothing has happened; this can be extremely hard.

People underestimate the impact of grief. Grief can have a physical impact such a memory loss or feeling disorientated, which can have an impact on work. Lack of sleep or lack of appetite, for example, can impact performance at work. This doesn't happen to everyone, and it doesn't happen all the time. However the concept of 'puddle jumping' is used when a parent is capable, okay and productive one minute, but struggling the next. There's no time limit on grief. Baby loss has a life-long impact on people, impacting different people in different ways.

 

Talk to someone if you can

When your child has died, you might keep asking yourself if it was something you did - or didn't do - that contributed to their death. It's easy to blame yourself or others and to feel angry. You may feel guilty or blame yourself. Talk to someone if you can. If you're finding it hard to imagine carrying on, or you have suicidal thoughts or think about harming yourself, it's vital you tell someone. If you can't face talking to friends or family, reach out to a charity like Samaritans on 116 123 (open 24 hours).

Contact Samaritans

 

Bereavement can cause depression and other mental health issues. Your GP can help you access counselling or mental health support. If there are waiting lists for counselling through the NHS, it could be quicker to go through a charity.