28 November 2022

Christmas is a difficult time for many bereaved families who have experienced the death of their baby or babies. The first Christmas after the loss can be particularly tough and we often find that the lead up to Christmas Day is especially difficult. 

Christmas is ‘everywhere’ throughout December which can be comparable with those first few weeks after your babies have died where you can often see twins everywhere. As with many ‘firsts’, during that first year after they have died, it is often the period running up to the day itself which can be the most challenging. 

We will often think of the what ifs and wonder what we would have been doing if everything had gone to plan, maybe you would still be pregnant, maybe your twins or triplets would be at a certain age or maybe you are looking at your surviving twin or triplets wondering how they would have been if they had all lived. 

Christmas is often thought of as a happy and joyous time of year but it can be a tough time for many: the Christmas songs in all of the shops, the Christmas decorations, the Christmas cards that drop through your door wishing you a ‘Merry’ Christmas, the feeling of not wanting to let other family members down but also wanting to shut yourself away from the outside world and much more beside.

All of these feelings are so normal and it can be helpful to be supported by other people who have been through a similar experience - maybe a befriender, peer to peer via the Twins Trust private Facebook group or by another bereaved parent that you have met along the way. It can be helpful to realise that you are not alone and to feel understood and supported in this journey of grief. Please do reach out to someone if you are struggling. 

Here are some ideas of things that you might do in the run up to Christmas as well as on the day itself. 

• Hang up a stocking for your baby. You may wish to have one with their name/s on. 
• Decorate the grave or a special garden that you might go to or dedicate a section of your garden to your twins or triplets that you can decorate.
• Hang decorations on the tree for your babies - angels, stars, personalised baubles or decorations etc. 
• Donate a toy in their memory.
• Go to a memorial service. 
• Take a family photo but include a teddy or something that reminds you of your baby that has died to represent them. 
• Organise a donation/ collection at work or amongst your family to donate to a charity that has helped you. 
• Visit your babies grave or special place on Christmas Day.
• If you would like your babies to receive or be included on Christmas cards it is a good idea to let others know beforehand to avoid disappointment. Include your babies in your own cards some way. 
• Light a candle during your Christmas dinner. 
• Donate to a Christmas appeal in memory of your baby/ babies. 
• Receive or give a Christmas gift such as jewellery or photos that remind you of your twins or triplets. 
• Plant a tree or flowering bush in your babies’ memory.
• Talk about your baby or babies that have died over the Christmas period (and of course any time) with friends and family if you find it helpful. 
• Include your twin/s and triplet/s in a festive picture. They could be represented as angels or shadows. 
• Name a star after them.
• Write a poem or blog in their memory. 
• Get some fresh air when it all feels too much.

Please do look after yourselves and do what you find helpful. There are no general one size fits all rule to get you through but sometimes we forget to put ourselves first.