15 September 2022 

Sarah lost her twins Oscar and Oliver after going into premature labour at 22 weeks. Here, she reflects on the loss of her boys.

At times, even all these months on, I still can't believe this happened to us. In those early days I felt like I was in a living nightmare, which I was going to wake up from soon. But over time it dawned on me I wasn't, and this was now my life. There are still big parts of that early period which are a blur - I think when you go through any massive trauma you effectively enter survival mode, which is what we both did, stumbling from one day to the next doing the bare minimum needed to get by. Looking back, I don’t know how we did it. Some days it was literally about putting one foot in front of the other and taking things an hour at a time. I spent lot of that period searching for answers as to why this had happened to us, angry at the sheer unfairness of it all. I'd often wonder why other people got to keep their babies when we didn't. At times I'd ask myself what we'd done to deserve this, as we were good people just trying to be parents like so many others. I noticed pregnant women and twins everywhere, and at times it felt like the world was mocking us. There were points at which I didn't know how I was ever going to get past those feelings and found it hard to imagine being happy again.

One thing which did bring me comfort during that time, and one of the reasons I volunteered to share my story, was reading about other people's experiences. I found Twins Trust quite early on after one of our bereavement midwives mentioned them. I soon realised I wasn't alone and there were many others also walking this journey, all at various stages. Hearing they'd been able to survive the trauma of losing a child, or children, and how far they'd managed to come was truly inspiring. It gave me a sense of hope I hadn't previously had, and for the first time in a while I had belief things could get better. Over time I was able to build myself a wonderful support network, both through the charity and also reaching out on other forums. I've made some friends for life. Whilst I already had great family and friends I'd honestly be lost without my fellow bereaved parents - you can say things to each other you might not otherwise be able to say, and there's just this implicit understanding between you. There's no pretences or explanations needed - you all just get it. Shared grief really does bond people like nothing else in my experience.

My progress has been slow and there have been various setbacks, which is also something else I've had to learn to accept. Someone told me grief isn't linear, which really stayed with me as my experience has been anything but. Gradually though I started to have more good days, small wins, things which have made me smile again. Initially I'd set myself goals to strive towards, even if it was just going out for a walk or having coffee with a relative or friend. In the beginning I felt terribly guilty about that but know in my heart my boys would want me to continue living life in the best way I can.

I've also come to see some of the traits I now have as a gift from them, as they're things I probably didn't possess before, or at least not to the same degree. I'm a much more understanding person, more sensitive and more empathetic. I've also learnt I don't have to please people all the time and it's ok to say no and put yourself first, which is something I've struggled with in the past. This has done wonders for my mental health. I've also found I place value on different things now to what I did before - I used to always be up for a night out and had this need to constantly be out doing something whenever I had any free time. But now I'm quite happy just being at home with my husband or seeing a small group of family or friends for a low-key evening. I've learnt to savour simple things and find happiness in those moments, and to be more grateful for what I do have. That's not to say I wasn't before, but grief does change your perspective on things and makes you realise what's truly important in life.

I still have a long way to go - this is an ongoing journey and something I know I'll be on for the rest of my life. I've accepted that and as much as I'd like to skip through the difficult parts I know I need to experience those to get to the better times. I also accept there's no timeline for this, or right or wrong way to handle a situation. When I look back at what I've accomplished and the milestones I've managed to survive so far it gives me the strength to keep going and strive to do the best I can with the hand I've been dealt. Oscar and Oliver are tied into everything we are and everything we now do and will always be an important part of our family. So, I owe it to them to keep going and try to live the best life I can.