Dealing with loss during a twin or multiple pregnancy

Losing one or more babies during a twin or multiple pregnancy can bring a particularly complex kind of grief. Alongside the medical care and uncertainty that may follow, there can be many different emotions to navigate. However you experience your loss, your babies matter and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Before becoming pregnant with twins, triplets or more, many parents have little reason to know about the complexities that can come with a multiple pregnancy.

You may expect more appointments, scans and monitoring, but it can be difficult to understand the complications that may arise or how quickly circumstances can change.

When a loss happens unexpectedly, you can suddenly find yourself facing a situation you never imagined.

There may be medical terminology to understand, appointments and scans to attend and questions you do not know how to answer. Alongside this can come conversations you never thought you would have to have.

Being told that one or more of your babies has died can be devastating. In the middle of everything that is happening, you may find yourself focusing simply on getting through the next few hours, the next appointment or the next day.

There is a difference between understanding that pregnancy loss happens and experiencing it yourself.

Grieving one baby while continuing your pregnancy

Losing one baby during a multiple pregnancy can bring particularly complicated emotions.

When one twin dies during pregnancy, there may understandably be a great deal of focus on the surviving baby. You may have questions about their health, growth and development, as well as what the loss means for the rest of your pregnancy.

At the same time, the baby who has died matters too.

They were already part of your family and the future you had imagined. You may have thought about names, what they might look like, their personality and what life with your babies would be like. When one baby dies, that imagined future changes.

You may find yourself experiencing emotions that seem difficult to hold together. You can feel deeply grateful that one of your babies is still alive while also grieving their sibling. You can love and celebrate the baby who survives while missing the baby who died.

These feelings can exist alongside each other. You do not have to choose between gratitude and grief.

When all of your babies die

When all of the babies from a multiple pregnancy die, the life you had been preparing for will suddenly look completely different.

The loss of the pregnancy may also mean grieving the family life you had imagined – the babies together, their relationship with each other and all the plans you had begun to make.

This can feel incredibly isolating. Friends and family may not know what to say or may struggle to understand what you are going through. If the loss happens while you are still pregnant, there can also be a painful contrast between appearing pregnant to others and carrying your grief privately.

Sometimes you may not know what you need. You may simply be trying to manage what is happening in front of you.

There is no right way to grieve

Grief is different for everyone and there is no correct way to grieve a baby who has died during a twin or multiple pregnancy.

Some parents may want to talk about their baby or babies often. Others may prefer to keep their memories, photographs or conversations private. You might know immediately what feels right for you, or it may take time.

Some parents find comfort in giving their baby a name, creating a memory box, taking photographs or finding another way to remember them. Others may choose to remember their baby more privately.

There is no right or wrong way.

There is space for sadness, fear, anger, confusion and questions. There can also be space for love, hope and even moments of happiness without these diminishing your grief.

The relationship you have with your baby does not end because they have died. They remain part of your family and your story.

Supporting someone after the loss of a baby

If someone you care about has experienced the death of one or more babies during a multiple pregnancy, acknowledging their loss can be important.

Remember their baby. If they have shared their baby's name and are comfortable with you using it, say it. You do not necessarily need to find the perfect words or try to make things better.

People can sometimes avoid mentioning a baby who has died because they are worried about upsetting the parents. But acknowledging their baby can show that you remember them and recognise how important they are.

It can be a way of saying: Your baby mattered. I remember them and I know they were loved.

Often, what a bereaved parent needs from the people around them is compassion, patience and space to experience their grief in their own way.

Living with loss

There is no set timeline for grief.

There may be difficult days, unexpected reminders and moments when grief catches you by surprise. Your feelings may also change over time.

Alongside the grief, there can be memories, love and an enduring connection to your baby or babies.

For many parents, living with loss is not about leaving their baby behind. It is about gradually finding a way to carry their memory with them as life continues.

Our bereavement website has separate pathways for if you have lost one or more babies from a multiple pregnancy and for if you’ve lost all of your babies from your pregnancy.