If your twins, triplets or more are starting secondary, becoming teenagers and beginning to want more independence, this is the group for you. Chat with other parents of similar aged multiples.
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I’ve identical girls who are 12. One of my girls is very comfortable being who she is while the other is currently going through massive emotional turmoil because she wants to be seen as different to her sister but at the same time wants to be viewed as her sister’s equal. Throw adolescent hormones and Covid into the mix and it’s all getting hard to deal with. The unhappy daughter has recently started self harming and having panic attacks in school at the thought of every assessment etc - she has an internal drive to always do as well as her sister. Their twinness creates an insane level of competition between them that is driven entirely by their relationship. I’m at a loss. She is on a waiting list to see the school councillor. Has anyone else had similar experiences?
Thanks for the replies. It helps just knowing I’m not alone here. Only today I’ve had the unhappy daughter berating herself as she doesn’t do as well as her sister in assessments etc. Both girls are academic high achievers at this stage but one is just off the scale and her sister can’t accept that being brilliant is good enough while her sister gets perfect scores all round. We try to stress that none of this is important and they will both have plenty of life choices etc. Finding interests out of school they can peruse separately would be ideal but not possible in the current times. However, we have to hope things will get better in the months to come. Thanks for your replies. Genuine appreciated. Jane x
Part 2 of my reply. We had a similar experience with our son who's a non-identical twin. His anxiety seemed to focus on him finding maths really hard when his twin sister found it really easy and this resulted in him losing confidence in just about everything. He had panic attacks when faced with assessments, constantly referred to himself as stupid and useless, bed wetting etc. The anxiety was something we focused on first and tried to give him ways of coping with his anxiety when he could feel it building up (with assessments in mind). The techniques we tried to get him to use were basically mindfulness techniques, focusing on controlling your breathing, focusing on surroundings, listening for a particular sound, noticing a particular smell. Also, lots of talking about how the results of the assessments didn't matter to us, they weren't going to change the whole course of his life. We also spent time talking about ourselves and our families and what our strengths are and what we each find difficult. The next stage was focusing on something he was really good at, which was running. We took him out running and found a running club he could join, he really thrived on doing something that was just him (although I had to take his sisters along with us to training), it was his achievement. He has always been prone to anxiety but, for now, he seems much more relaxed and self-confident and is also much happier being recognised as a twin. It's an exceptionally tough time and the moment, I hope that sharing my experience at least helps you feel that you're not alone in dealing with this.
Hi, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this, it's really really tough when you're children are unhappy. I did write a lengthy reply to you on Christmas Eve and then went to post it and the whole thing disappeared! As a result, I'm going to reply in stages to try and avoid it happening again. Have you had a look at the Twins Trust resources for teenage multiples? I know your girls aren't quite teenagers but the information is still relevant. Here's the link: https://twinstrust.org/let-us-help/parenting/secondary/teenage-multiples.html
I’m really sorry to hear this and can fully sympathise, I have identical girls who are now 14. Similar to you one of my girls is really struggling with being an identical twin which has been getting worse since she started high school. I think she expected being in a much bigger school that people would not notice she was a twin and that she would be treated more as an individual. In our case it’s not so much competition but she is really struggling to cope with people commenting and asking her questions about being a twin. She gets very upset with any mention of her looking like her sister and understandably when people say ‘which one are you?’. I’m worried about the impact on both of them as she refuses to be seen out with her sister and actively avoids her at school. She is very paranoid about it and thinks everyone is staring and commenting. I spoke to one of the twins trust honorary consultants a few weeks ago who helped me to talk it through and advised a few things to try. Things came to a bit of a head recently and they ended up having a heart to heart - think the advice was received a bit better coming from her sister than when I have tried talking to her about it. I’m hoping with time things will get better. If you discover anything which helps I would love to hear about it. I wish you all the best, you are not alone x
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